Part 3: Meeting Max: Our Nicu/Hospital Experience

Maxwell Jeffrey Jenkins was born at 9:04 P.M. with an APGAR score of 0. He was lifeless with no breath. He was covered head-to-toe in muconimum and was taken immediately to another room and vented. The team of physicians had him breathing within 30 seconds of his cord being cut, placed on cpap, and a feeding tube was placed through his nose. He was taken to the NICU, where he spent the first 6 days of life.

I pray that I never have to live through anything like the NICU experience ever again. There is this strange feeling of helplessness, fear, anxiety, yearning, hopefulness, sadness, and unsteadiness all wrapped into one 'ball of emotion' that is difficult to put a word to. If it wasn't for the amazing staff at the hospital where we were and the support of my family and friends, I would not have had the strength to get through mine and his recovery.

By 10:00 A.M. the next day, I still had not seen Max. The nurse came in and removed my catheter. She said that if I wanted to go to the NICU I had to do the following three things:
 1. Walk to the restroom.
2. Use the restroom.
3. Eat two graham crackers without vomiting.

I remember thinking that this wasn't going to be an issue. I was wrong. The nurse left and for the first time I tried to move after surgery. Holy Hell! My legs felt like jello, I was in so much pain, and immediately felt nauseated trying to stand. I looked at my husband and said, "Nothing is going to keep me from seeing my baby right now." I held his hand and slowly but surely made my way to the bathroom. I couldn't hardly sit on the toilet because of the pain. I remember being able to pee and then not being able to bend to wipe myself. Again, modesty out the window....my husband had to use a peri-bottle to help clean me. This whole process will take away your pride in an instant. Thank God for my husband! The hospital provided me these lovely sanitary pads that are the size of Jupiter to use because I was indeed bleeding a lot as well.

I made my way to the chair in my room and the nurse brought me graham crackers and peanut butter. I had not eaten in days...over 4 days...and I still wasn't hungry due to feeling nauseated. I remember thinking how good that combination tasted, but trying to force it down...and keep it down was a difficult challenge.Success! The nurse came back 20 minutes later and I got the approval to go downstairs to see my son.

I remember the excitement I felt.....but was also very nervous. This was going to be the first moment that I would truly feel like a mother.

Upon arrival to the NICU, we signed in, gave identification, and received a bright visitor pass sticker for our shirt/hospital gown. My husband pushed me through the door in my wheelchair and we stopped at the large sink to our left. I could barely get out of the wheelchair to get to the sink. My husband had to lift me up and I used him as a crutch to lean over the sink to reach the faucet. Every muscle in my body felt either heavy or painful.

The NICU was very large---probably made up of 10 rooms full of precious, but sick babies. My baby was in room 9. Last room on the right, in the back hallway.

As we made the turn into room 9, my eyes immediately locked in on my baby. I knew before I was wheeled up to him that he was mine. I couldn't get to him fast enough--As my body shook and tears filled my eyes, the nurse took me to his bedside. The pain  immediately left me and I could stand on my own to get my baby. My beautiful baby boy, who looks EXACTLY like my husband, was sleeping soundly in his little plastic box. I kissed his head, fingers, and stroked his head softly. There were IV's in his little hand and foot, as well as the cpap and feeding tube in his nose.

The nurse asked me if I wanted to do Kangaroo Care and I remember saying yes and crying. I was the lucky mother---my baby only had few tubes and wires so I could hold him more often. They put a privacy screen up around us and for the next hour it was like no one else existed but me and him. They placed him on my chest and we were instantly bonded. I smelled his amazing baby smell and kissed his beautiful chubby cheeks.

The next 5 days consisted of me going back and forth between my room and the NICU. He would eat every three hours, so I would pump colostrum for him...or try to. That's what we did..In between visitors and resting, I would pump, take it to the NICU, and then feed Max.

The NICU reminded me of a space ship that I would see in movies. Machines and lights everywhere. I developed pretty intense anxiety while in there. When monitors would go off, everyone would immediately stare up at the screens. I remember just staring at Max's O2 levels...every time a beep...up I would look, along with the rest of the nurses, doctors, and other family members. Constant beeping...constant anxiety.

My Max was the 'healthiest' baby in the NICU. He was taken off all tubes by the end of day 2, but still had to stay there for observation. The beautiful babies around him were so small. Some only weighing 2 lbs. I heard mothers weeping over their children and watched them cling to their babies' small fingers through the holes in their boxes. One time, while holding Max with our screen up, the mother behind us accidently pulled the vent from her baby while laying her back down. The alarms went off and everyone had to leave the room, except for us, because Max was feeding on me. I couldn't see what was going on, I could just hear. I heard the team of doctors and nurses on the Code Blue team run into the room. I could hear them talking to each other--this was a difficult vent to place. I could hear the mother weeping and screaming for her baby and the nurse telling her everything was going to be okay and that they would get her breathing again. I remember holding Max so tightly to my chest and bawling my eyes out. My husband held me and I held our baby..wishing we could be anywhere else. They were able to successfully get the baby back on the vent and everyone was allowed in the room again.
-----things like this would happen every day while being there. Sometimes we were turned away due to babies having procedures done or crashing...not being able to get to your baby when that's all you want...with all of your being, that's what you want... and can't. There are no words to describe that feeling. When the front desk tells you that you can't go back and you are instantly stricken with fear that it is your baby that isn't breathing--how do you describe that feeling?

The amazing medical staff took such wonderful care of my son. I will never forget those nurses as long as I live. Because of their support for my husband and I and the care and love they gave to Max, I will forever be indebted to them. I know I will probably never see Ashley, Tiffany, Shari, or Victoria again, but I will never forget them...the way they would kiss and love on my boy as if he was part of their family will never be forgotten.

Max continued to get stronger every day. He was a champion eater and pooper ;) His lungs were also healing wonderfully after the aspiration. Prayers were answered. I cannot thank my family and friends enough for the out-pour of love and prayers for us. We were able to get through this experience easier because of each and every one of them...with phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, and in person....they helped me find my strength.

6 days...and then we were both released to finish recovery in our home....home- it never felt so good.

Heavenly Father,
Tonight I pray for those babies and parents having to spend time in the NICU. I close my eyes and see the faces of anxious parents with eyes full of excitement, fear, and hope. I pray that someone shares a smile with each glance that passes between them in those rooms as they hold onto their precious ones. Give them all the strength to make it through another second, minute, hour,and day as each moment is a blessing and a triumph from heaven. Help the parents to accept reality on what has happened and take away any guilt and burdens from their hearts. I pray for healing tonight. I pray for miracles. Above all else, I pray for a peace that passes all understanding.

Amen.

-Valerie

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